This is a weak category – I wish I could find better examples of it

Somebody Loan Me a Dime – Boz Scaggs

Brother Can You Spare a Dime? – (?)

Big Yellow Taxi – Joni Mitchell

The '90s cover of “Big Yellow Taxi” should have changed the line from “they took all the trees, put em in a tree museum, then they charged all the people a dollar and a half just to see em” – they should have changed that to like $8.50

King of the Road – Roger Miller

I present, for your edification, this guide to six pre-ABBA albums of Agnetha Faltskog by Tesco Vee (of the Meatmen), published in Forced Exposure, #12, summer 1987.

WARNING: Be advised that this article should have a Parental Guidance Advisory and also probably a Feminist Advisory Warning, like for my sister.

THE PENULTIMATE PETER METER GUIDE TO AGNETHA FALTSKOG

Some folks worship GOD almighty and some worship that most vile Sugar Daddy, Lucifer, but me … I worship Agnetha Faltskog. That bombastic blonde bubble bottomed bimbo that used ta sing in Abba. The only way I can ever trick myself into rolling out of the sack in the morning is to gaze longingly upon her gleaming visage as it is displayed on a pin-up above my bed. As the rays of the seven o'clock sun caress her alpine features, the smoke from the day's first Camel sensually wafts circlets of lust around her mellow boozum and I am transported from the sack to a land I hold dear … ahh.

Beginning in 1968, I took an annual pilgrimage to Sweden and during these sojourns I'd track down the cunning vixen and snap a few photos. Sometimes it would take me weeks to sniff out the gash's secret location, but by Don Knott's boner I was not to be dissuaded. I only missed rendezvousing with her pillowy thighs the year that I mistakenly ingested some bad pilchard at the Stockholm Meatball Orgy. My nurses in the hospital had butt dimples big enough to fist-fuck, but they were lightweights compared to my beloved udder-horse.

With this little travelogue I hope to share some remembrances and a few touching moments that are close to my heart. Anyone caught “milking the monk” while looking at my bitch better be ready to pull up their fly and go to war with the king of the pissed-off giraffes. As far as intimate personal spasmodic and undulating supine jiggle bang, I ain't sayin'. To admit that I dumped my sin in Aggie's vegetable bin and then kicked her out on her millionaire ass would cause her major league red face. Suffice to say that our relationship is not in the pen-pal phase.

JAG VAR SA KAR (1968)

Here we foist a peek at the svelte young crooner posing with her Uncle Gulag's gramophone, feeling totally free of her parents. Just imagine that banjo-string-tight hymen stretched across those milkbone thighs. Note white knee socks and tire tread sandals (not a fashion set fop in '68).

1968 PETER POINTS

Estrogen level maxed 10

Mini skirt 10

Come hither blowjob smile 10

Gramophone -5

Tire Tread Sandals -5

PETER METER TOTAL………………20

UTAN DIG (1968)

Christ I'd like to take that gaudy Brady Bunch watch off her wrist and sniff 'til I cry. This was the year baby won the Miss Volvo title, spent a season as a backup singer in the Oslo production of “Aryan Babes In Toyland” and got caught with the top eight inches of Brother Sven's vanilla rocketflesh stuck in her throat. She also recorded her first single, “Det Kandas Underbart all Spella”, which loosely translates to, “My Daddy's BVDs Are Sprayed With Day-Old Meat So I HATE LAUNDRY DAY.”

1968 PETER POINTS PT. 2

Musky disco watch whose face can be popped off and used as a mini diaphragm 10

Jr-high-style rim-job make-up 10

Throatfull of brother's spud 5

Recto-probe-sized tooth gap 5

PETER METER TOTAL………………………30

FRAM FOR SVENSKA (1969)

As you can see, the casting couch soundings have done little to atrophy those gams. The wet leatherette has lent her epidermis a musky Scandinavian scent. The poofy sleeves give off ingenue sin bitch vibes. She's still just anutan att apa teaser och melodi bara spermbag svenska lusta.

1969 PETER POINTS

Leather bitch dress 10

Fuck me boots 10

PETER METER TOTAL…………………….20

OM TARAR VORE GULD (1970)

The big Seven-Oh was a transitional year for Aggie. This was the year she met Bjorn and Benny, formed a band named ABB and toured the sauna club circuit warming up for Nick Drake and his fabulous Kingston Trio medleys. This all fell apart when she happened upon the Bs caught up in a double-tube 69 love-clench, spinning around in the horn of a Fender Rhodes at a Showaddywaddy gig. The halter, the neckwear and the strained countenance all spell one thing – Aggie knew the dreaded Seventies were upon us. She sensed that crooning old standards in the company of homosexuals wearing dickies was now yawnsville. If only I'd known that the pop world was waiting for her massive ovaries to fall in its lap, you can bet your mom's empty tits I would've told her.

1970 PETER POINTS

Nipple peeking through cut-out flower in blouse 10

Non-inverted crucifix -10

Grab-me handles on choker neck-piece supporting push-up bra 10

PETER METER TOTAL…………………….10

MANGA GANGER (1971)

Here we have the full-blown Colonel Klink's secretary-meets-Heidi look. And tell me that if this was your sister you wouldn't have choked her with those pigtails and taken aim on those struggling creamsicles. I mean the contrast of your enraged dummy against that pearlescent babycake perfection would look like a butchered harp seal does flopping on the Siberian tundra. I keep havin' these dreams that she shows up as a foreign exchange student and stays in the guest room and it's dreams like this and not the poop skids that cause major major underwear loss at my house. Shinga!

1971 PETER POINTS

Girl next door factor 10

Pigtails 5

Pouting Svedjugs 10

Dumb foreign person expression -5

PETER METER TOTAL…………………….20

VART SKALL MIN KARLEFORA (1972)

No shit. Our Aggie was Mary Magadelena in “Jesus Christ Superstar” this year. I sat thru that thing seventeen times! After every show I'd race back to my hotel, dress up like Jesus, crank up my bootleg eight-track of the production and jerk the gherkin 'til I sprayed little gods all over the ceiling. Not that there aren't about eighty-thousand other gidgets walking around downtown Stockholm that wouldn't look just as good down on all fours, wearing tatooed chaps with their braids eased into the hindquarters, but only one has the voice that made me see a harem of archangels fondling the Goat of Mendes. Well, actually a little microdot didn't hurt in calling up this vision … and it wasn't actually such a little microdot … aw, ferget it. Drugs were such an integral part of my upbringing that some people say controlled substances have altered my perception of right and wrong. Of good and bad. Some of these selfsame finger-dicks have even gone so far as to say Abba sucks. But if I'm within earshot, everything becomes past-tense, the Zodiac becomes dear, and Jupiter aligns with Mars. Just try me.

1972 PETER POINTS

Leather Nun tattoo visible through cleavage slot 10

Drug-bruised eyelids 5

Repaired tooth gap -5

Neck beginning to sag after too many explorations by Sven -5

PETER METER TOTAL…………………….+5

THE END

Date Added: 11/29/2005

Find the origin of the twin guitar sound, used in Southern Rock, but that an early and clear example of is in Wishbone Ash's “Phoenix,” also Thin Lizzy's “Bad Reputation” (two different songs with the same title, also Joan Jett)

Muzak, or whatever, versions of Uriah Heep, “Easy Livin'” and Alice Cooper, “School's Out” played between sets, I'm ashamed to say, at a free Guided by Voices show (maybe summer '98) at Central Park

Ramble On – Led Zeppelin

Magic Bus – The Who

Ramblin' Man – Allman Brothers

Jessica – Allman Brothers

Shooting Star” or “Feel Like Making Love – Bad Company

Not real strong.

Shooting Star should also go into a new Lyrics category: Pretentiously worded: “Johnny was a schoolboy when he heard his first Beatles song / Love Me Do, I think it was / and it . . .” –Why it's pretentious: it's a fictional situation, presented by the singer. The narrator/voice/storyteller is omnipotent and knows it was Love Me Do, rather than some other Beatles song, that was so influential in the protagonist's life. The “I think it was” conceit was added without really understanding or thinking about how such a device is properly used.

This reminds me of the Deep Blue Something situation. About how switching Roman Holliday to Breakfast at Tiffany's by the songwriter, to use a “more well-known Audry Hepburn movie” pulls the rug out from under the following two lines: “and I said, I think, I remember the film” “as I recall, we both kinda liked it” – as if you'd only dimly remember having seen Breakfast at Tiffany's and as if a couple having that kind of ho hum response to it doesn't brand both of them as complete idiots.

It must be hard for metal bands not to rip off/sound like Black Sabbath. Listening to Metallica's Ride the Lightning, “The Call of Ktulu,” an instrumental, sounds like Sabbath. Metallica doesn't sound like Deep Purple, even though everyone in metal was in Deep Purple or played with someone who was.

Redo “New Little Girl” by Off Broadway a la Dan Zanes as a children's song

Why are there two different Buffalo Soldier songs, one by Bob Marley; the other one I have is by the Persuasions, on their Street Corner Serenade album

“My Little Lady” Jimmie Rodgers; the lady is Sadie.

“Mambo Watusi” Rene Bloch is on that one with 1964-era Beatles cover group the Swallows doing I Want to Hold Your Hand

Frank Sinatra did “Being Green” (doing a cover of a song by a frog!). Sarah Vaughan album contains (a great cov–, er, album art) “Easy Evil” Blood, Sweat & Tears; “Run to Me” Bee Gees (“me lovin' you, *boy* / you lovin' me”); “Rainy Days and Mondays” Carpenters; “Alone Again, Naturally” (Gilbert O'Sullivan)